Previously on The Client List...
Riley's got to choose.
It's got to be a level playing field.
We were good, Dale, and then Kyle dragged her
back into this mess. You mean the world to me.
Kyle's not gonna give up his wife without a fight.
[ Both grunting ]
It's natural to feel conflicted, but Evan loves you.
The best thing you can do is be honest with him.
Derek, you have built up our female client base
faster than I could have ever expected -- very impressive.
Look. Okay. What am I looking at?
A semester full of college extension courses.
Dale and I are trying to get pregnant.
I'm selling you the spa. Okay.
You're so sweet to let me move in.
I'm here for you. That's what we do. We're family.
[ Cellphone rings ] Okay. Who wants a story?
Both: Me! [ Gasps ]
Prosecution moves to revoke all bail for Mr. Parks.
We believe Mr. Parks to be a flight risk and a danger to society.
Judge: Bail is hereby revoked.
None of that is true!
[ Gavel bangs ] Order!
[ Upbeat music plays ]
♪ Hey!
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey!
♪ Whoo! Whoo!
♪ Whoo! Hey!
♪ Hey!
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
[ Chuckling ] Excuse me.
What? You don't knock?
Last time I checked, this locker room was co-ed.
Well, about that -- ain't working for me.
[ Chuckling ] Got to say, it's working for me.
Well, then, uh, we're gonna need to see some skin
to make this fair.
You don't want to take off your clothes,
then you should leave.
Yeah, you never take your shirt off in here.
Mm-hmm. What's up with that?
To be honest, you girls couldn't handle it.
♪ Hold your breath
♪ until your face turns blue
♪ turns blue
Okay.
Now he's got my attention. [ Water running ]
♪ Where I'm going
[ chuckles ]
Can you see anything?
Hold on.
Boy, do I wish I was a bar of soap right now.
Oh, there is a God, and his name is Derek.
Ooh!
Ce bum.
But he's not turning around.
Come on, baby.
[ Singsong voice ] Do the hokey pokey.
[ Both laugh ]
It's the naked that you don't see
that you want to see.
Selena: Uh-huh. Forbidden fruit.
All right. Let's see if he meets up to the Selena standard.
Which is?
Two words -- Michael Fassbender.
[ Chuckles ] Riley: Hey.
You know, next time y'all want to spy on one of my employees,
please come to my office...
And get me.
[ Both chuckle ]
Oh, wow.
♪ The Client List 2x05 ♪ Hell on Heels Original Air Date on April 7, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Hey, mama. Sorry I'm late.
Linette: Hi.
Crazy day. Tons of clients.
Well, don't you look pretty. You playing dress-up?
She's gonna knock their socks off
when they see her in this dress.
Let's see. Sequins or crystals?
Whose socks are we talking about?
The judges of the Beaumont Belles
mother/daughter beauty pageant.
Mommy, I'm gonna come out of a spaceship.
Oh, my gosh. That's amazing.
But right now, you're gonna go wash up for dinner, okay?
All right.
[ Sighs ]
She's too young to be in pageants.
Nonsense.
When you started,
you were a year younger than Katie is.
Oh, look what I found.
Remember this?
Beauty pageants are a tradition in this family.
You were Miss Texas Heartland, and so was I...
...and in a few years, we'll put Katie's here.
Yeah. Or not.
You know, you should have checked with me first.
Entry fees and dresses --
that's way out of my budget right now.
Two words -- scholarship money.
Yeah, which I won a ton of, and look where it got me.
Well, you have to let Katie make her own choices.
I've altered one of your old dresses
so you don't have to buy her a new one.
Mama, this is a terrible idea.
Do you remember this one?
You know, what you remember is the trophies and the crowns.
You don't remember how competitive it was. Come on.
Bobby Jo ripping the rhinestones right off that very costume.
So, you had to throw a few elbows.
Well, she shouldn't have to throw anything.
She's not a derby doll.
What about what Katie wants?
Mama, come on. She's got real potential.
I mean, she could be a doctor or a lawyer,
and before today,
she wasn't even interested in being a pageant princess.
You mean grand supreme queen.
[ Sighs deeply ]
Do you know what I remember most from sixth grade?
Carnation spelling bee.
I was the only one who spelled "sardoodledom" right.
[ Chuckles ] I couldn't wait to come and find you afterwards.
I was so happy.
You know what you said to me?
I was so proud of you. I know.
You said that my curls really showed off my eyes.
Well, you were so much prettier
than that four eyes who won first.
That is so not the point.
What would have been really nice
is if you had said that you were proud of me for being smart
or working hard or having some courage,
something other than just being pretty.
Someday when Katie's a few years older,
she's gonna be blaming you for all kinds of things.
Yeah, well, she's not gonna be blaming me for putting her
in the Beaumont Belles beauty pageant,
'cause she's not doing it.
Are you pretending like you can't hear me?
No pageants.
I'm sorry, honey.
Did you say something?
[ Insects chirping ]
I need girl talk.
Oh, me, too, and a bottle of wine.
I got your back, sister. Yes! Thank God!
You know, my mother is driving me officially insane.
Oh, well, Linette can come stay with me and Dale if you want.
That is a nice offer,
but I value our friendship too much.
It'd be nice to have a family around, even a crazy one.
I'm sorry. You know what?
I didn't mean to complain, considering.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Dale and I broke down
and decided to go see a fertility specialist.
She's gonna run a bunch of tests.
Good for you, Lace. No, not good for me.
Dale's crabby. The whole thing is awful.
[ Inhales deeply ] I can't stop worrying.
Well, I know that must be tough,
but maybe this is gonna be the answer for you.
What if there's something wrong with his boys?
[ Chuckles ] What if he's shooting blanks?
I told him not to go to that damn spinning gym.
Lacey, one spin class is not gonna sterilize him.
You promise? Pinky swears.
Okay? Now, all this tough stuff you're going through,
it's only gonna make it sweeter
when you finally do become a mommy.
You're gonna be a great mommy.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone beeping ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello? Evan: Hey.
I called. Hadn't heard back. Everything okay?
Oh, yeah.
You know, it's just been real busy.
I know. Just...
Seems like we never see each other anymore.
Look, Evan, you know how I feel about you.
It's just...
The kids were expecting Kyle to come home...
and then the accusations in court.
Life has just been handing us a lot of lemons lately.
Which is why I want to be there for you.
And you have been.
I don't want to lose you, Riley.
You're not going to.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Telephone beeps ]
[ Crunching ]
Just promise me
you didn't say those three little words to Riley.
No. Good.
[ Grunts ]
Maybe. What?!
Oh, come on. What were you thinking?!
I can't wait for the rest of my damn life.
Yeah, but the timing on this could not be worse.
Think about it.
Kyle's behind bars, Linette's in pain,
and Riley is the glue holding it all together,
and you thought right now would be the best time
to pile on more pressure?
Yeah, well, she said -- I don't care what she said!
The second that Kyle came back into the picture,
the rules changed.
I get it. I screwed up.
Big time.
[ Crunching ]
[ Sighs ] Well, do you have any actual advice,
or are you just gonna sit there and chomp on your chips?
Pull back.
Pull way back.
I call it the "Do nothing approach."
Well, you seem to be an expert at that.
Looks easy. It's not.
And by the way,
says here you're supposed to be doing side sit-ups
for something called your core.
[ Sighs ]
Thank you.
Okay. How is my favorite cowboy?
Uh...I think that you might be in the wrong room
because I was expecting --
J.D. Whitman? Yeah.
I am J.D. Whitman --
J.D. Jr. --
my daddy set this up.
Oh, he did, did he?
Promise me one thing, ma'am.
[ Sighing ] Oh, God. You just called me "ma'am."
Okay.
Yes. What is it?
Please don't tell anyone.
It's my first time.
Your what?
What were you thinking?
You know, you can't schedule an appointment for yourself
and then substitute your son in instead.
We have rules here on the client list.
Now, hold your wild horses, honey.
This is part of the Whitman legacy.
I've done this for every one of my boys.
They all have sessions here before heading off to college.
It's daddy's parting gift.
Son... let the grownups talk.
Riley: You know what?
Don't most dads just give, like, prepaid gas cards
and monogrammed luggage?
I just want to send him out into the world
as a bona fide man.
Okay, you know what? That's quite a legacy,
but, uh, I run things around here,
and that is not gonna happen.
[ Dance music plays ]
Legacies?
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Oh, nice to see you, too, Riley.
You know J.D. Whitman?
He surprised the hell out of me today
when he said that his son is automatically on the list.
Oh, he's not automatic, but he is a referral.
That's how we grow our client base.
Our client base?
Stubhub came through.
Oh, you going to a Rockets game there, Georgia?
"La traviata."
Wow, you really have found the world's greatest man
if he's taking you to the opera.
Well, they have subtitles,
and I have a smartphone with an ESPN app.
Mm.
Well, I have gone to a few Houston Texans games.
Proving that I have found the world's greatest woman.
Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Excuse me.
Wow, you really hit the jackpot with that one.
Tell me something I don't know.
Now, about this J.D. Whitman Jr.
He's just a boy.
Well, if you are uncomfortable,
you now own the Rub of Sugar Land.
Honey, you are the boss.
Is something else bothering you?
I'm just trying to wrap my head around
a parent buying their teenager a happy ending.
He's 18, and he's following in his daddy's footsteps.
Unusual or not,
sometimes tradition is what keeps families together.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.
Sorry. [ Chuckles ]
Home. Mm.
Hey, sweetie.
Mama, I want to be a princess in the pageant.
[ Chuckles ] I know,
but mama just doesn't think it's a good I--
Is your mee maw sitting right next to you?
Put her on the phone.
It was her idea, not mine.
Riley: Mama!
Are you there?
Hey.
Hey! Smitty's hot dogs -- your favorite.
No, no. What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm bringing you lunch like I promised.
No, I got these next door. Remember, we talked about this.
What are these?
This is broccoli, kale, ginger, and apple.
Oh, no. You kidding me? That crap will kill me.
No, come on.
I know you don't want to do this, but...
What?
...this will boost your sperm count.
Oh! Oh, no.
Honey, come on. The test is in two days.
Nothing I do between now and then
is gonna help my sperm count.
Actually, I've been doing the research,
and there's a lot you can do.
What? Yeah --
lukewarm showers, loose boxers, plenty of sleep.
Okay. I like to sleep... And I do like showers...
And I'm free-balling already, so that's good.
[ Laughing ] Stop it. [ Laughs ]
All right.
No, no, no, no!
Less fatty foods... What?
...more greens. Drink up...
For our future kids.
Well, I hope my future son appreciates
what his dad is giving up for him.
Or daughter.
I mean, what do you think they're gonna be like?
Aren't they just gonna be, like, the coolest kids?
Hell, yeah, they're gonna be cool kids.
Come on. You're cool, I'm cool. They're gonna be cool.
I hope he has your eyes. Aww. And your laugh.
He's gonna love music...
Oh, yeah, he's gonna play the drums just like you.
...and he's gonna love athletics like me.
Dale, let's be honest about the athletics.
Okay, well, he's gonna
watch sports with his daddy. Watch sports.
Yes, he is -- and gamble.
Oh! [ Both laugh ]
First things first, we need to start looking
about interviewing for preschool.
I'm sorry. Interviewing for preschool?
When I was in my preschool,
my parents dropped me off
at the backyard of some old woman.
Well, times have changed, Dale.
The best preschools have an 18-page application.
We're gonna be writing essays for months.
This is just the beginning.
Uh, okay.
Um, you know what, honey?
We're gonna get to this -- all of this.
We're gonna do everything that we're supposed to do
for our little boy. [ Clears throat ]
Or girl. Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, no pressure, baby.
Two days from now... Yeah.
...spin us a winner.
What? [ Chuckling ] Okay.
You've been working out. I know.
Maybe it's the green juice.
[ Laughs ] I'm like Popeye.
[ Siren wails ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Riley sighs ]
What's up? Is everything all right?
No, everything is not all right.
What's going on? Parenting our kids.
You know, I've been the good guy, the bad guy,
and everything else in between, and it is hard doing it alone,
so you feel like helping?
Yes. Yes. What can I do?
Okay, so mama's got Katie all hyped up
about being in this mother/daughter beauty pageant.
She's starting in on that?
Yeah, she is, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Katie's always been into singing and dancing.
Well, not competitively. I mean -- the pressure.
Come on, Katie's tougher than you think.
Plus there was a time that you were into pageants.
Well, I'm...
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I was. Mm-hmm.
But come on -- all that time in those pageants?
I mean, it didn't exactly make me a nuclear physicist.
Last year Katie was into mud pies and toy horses,
all right, I'd be willing to bet that if she's in a pageant,
she'll get sick of it and move on to the next thing.
You know people said the same thing about me,
and 12 years later, I was Miss Beaumont and pregnant.
Yeah, well, I mean,
it wasn't pageants that got you pregnant.
No, I guess...
One too many nights in the back of your Chevy did that.
[ Chuckles ]
I just -- I couldn't resist that crown.
Well, you know, I mean, that's natural.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
I tell you what.
You tell Katie daddy said it was a good idea
to be in the pageant, all right?
That way if she doesn't like it, I'm the bad guy.
I mean, I've been pretty good at that.
Deal.
[ Both chuckle ]
The program is really simple to use.
The tricky part is getting to know the clients.
Legit clients get an hour,
but client listers vary based on individual needs.
[ Chuckling ] And speeds. Yeah, right.
Lucas Encell never stays more than 20 minutes --
big-time pharmaceutical rep,
likes to come here on his way to Houston.
For guys like him, we should put in a drive-through.
Yeah, you'd think as a rep, he'd actually use the Viagra.
Alex Stone needs two hours minimum
so he can tell me about his late wife, Emilia.
My goodness, how do you remember it all so well?
It's just one of her many skills.
I like to think of it as a superpower.
What's up?
You're looking good.
In the same uniform you've seen me in every day?
They're just boobs, Derek. It's no big deal.
Yeah? Well, at least I'm not creeping around
with a -- with a mirror.
Well, what is happening between you and your coworker?
Nothing.
You had to be there. Okay.
Just remember that we all have to work here...
together, every day.
Who are you to be poking into my personal affairs?
Oh, wait a minute. I'm your boss.
[ Chuckles ] Okay, boss lady, it's under control.
No need to poke.
Yeah, I know how that sounds. Just go.
Not gonna touch it.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ] [ Door closes ]
Is it wrong that I occasionally imagine myself
alone with Derek in "The Hunger Game" caves
nursing him back to health with spoonfuls of squirrel soup
until he's strong enough again to hit my target all night?
Get my drift?
I wish I didn't.
These are your competition numbers.
Make sure you sign in
before 11:00 the day of the pageant.
Taylor: Oh, well, hello, ladies.
Did y'all know
that I'm this year's regional pageant liaison?
Imagine that.
Well, Katie and I decided that we're gonna compete this year.
Oh, well, Twinkle and I always welcome
a little healthy competition.
Sign-up's in the back.
Uh-huh.
So, your mama "convinced" you to sign up?
What is up with you?
You see that guy right there?
Yeah. So?
He is a client at the Rub.
A client or a... client?
All the way over here in Beaumont?
God, he looks like such a straight shooter.
That's his nickname. Because he --
no, because he does this, like [clicks tongue]
Weird thing when he talk--
anyway, a straight shooter he is not.
I see you recognized Hutch Weilert.
Who? No, I don't -- I've never seen him.
Well, he judges the Beaumont Belles every year.
Of course Riley doesn't know him.
How could she possibly know him?
[ Laughing ] Why would I know him?
There's no reason for her to know him. No. Mnh-mnh.
You two are up to something.
You know who's probably up to something? Taylor.
[ Scoffs ] Yeah, she's always -- damn straight.
She's bribing Hutch.
Oh, a corrupt pageant judge.
Looks like a... Straight shooter to me.
Um [clears throat] you know what?
You -- you used to make muffins for the judges
when I was in pageants.
That wasn't a bribe. That was southern hospitality.
Well, why don't you just try and avoid trouble?
And besides, I'm sure that Taylor's tricks are done.
All right. See you. [ Clicks tongue ]
Riley and Katie Parks.
These are your competition numbers.
Make sure you bring them and wear them
on the day of the pageant.
Zero?
Taylor Berkhalter wanted to make sure
you got your lucky number. [ Giggles ]
Let the tricks begin.
Thank you.
All right, kid. You're up.
I didn't think I had a session booked right now.
Well, I guess the suck-ups get all the good clients.
Here we go.
[ Chuckles ]
Naughty schoolgirl?
Dude went to Catholic boarding school,
loves a trip down memory lane.
Got it.
[ Chuckles ]
I am so hot for teacher.
[ Giggles ]
Professor Horine?
Whoa! Nikki Shannon.
Oh, my God.
You're on the...
List.
This isn't happening.
I really love your accounting class.
I mean, I just really love it.
You're -- you're a really good student.
But now I'm gonna have to drop.
Wait, no, no. Why would you have to do that?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
This is weird. Is this weird?
Nikki, we're both adults.
I mean, I-I'm okay with this if you are.
No. Oh.
Not okay.
Professor Horine, I'm sorry,
um... But I can't.
And can I ask you just to please not --
[ stammering ] Don't worry.
I know. It's like Vegas.
I'm gonna go... [ Chuckles nervously ]
...study for your midterm. [ Chuckles nervously ]
So weird!
It's gonna be hard.
Uh, the midterm. [ Door closes ]
Well, imagine my surprise seeing you at the Curl Up & Dry.
Back at you. [ Clicks tongue ]
[ Chuckles ]
Thanks for not letting on --
Hey... Right back at you.
[ Clicks tongue ]
Rules of the list, right?
Never forget them.
As a member of the bar,
I am an expert at keeping secrets.
[ Chuckles ]
Got all stoked up seeing you in civilian life.
Oh, well, I can see that.
You want the usual?
Oh, guilty as charged.
Okay, then, you are under arrest
for being a very naughty boy.
[ Laughs ]
Riley: Thank you, Ms. Daniels.
Travis has never done anything like this before.
[ Door closes ]
Well, yeah, I mean,
there have been some family issues, but...
Look, I'll talk to him about it first thing tomorrow morning.
Thank you. Bye.
[ Telephone beeps ]
Everything okay?
Travis was caught stealing a paint set today.
You're kidding.
Wish I was.
Well, it happens, right? I mean, he is only 8.
No excuse. Tell you what.
Why don't I take him to visit Kyle
while you guys are at the pageant?
Would you really be okay with that?
I think Kyle and I can be adults.
It'd probably be really good for Travis.
Thank you.
Do you want to stay for a glass of wine?
I'm probably gonna have two.
[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckling ] Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
Uh...
Darts.
Uh, I'm supposed to go throw darts
and have some beers with my cadet buddies tonight,
so that's what I'm doing.
Wow.
Okay, well, yeah.
9:00 at night
and you're just now heading out?
Well, you know, most of them are like 10 years younger than me.
Oh, God, remember those days?
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
Yep, young and stupid.
Yeah, and now you're just... Leaving.
Uh, this should be enough supplies
for, uh, for us to build Katie's spaceship.
Um, let me know if you need anything else. See you.
See you.
Do nothing. Do nothing. Do nothing.
[ Groans ]
Katie: Mommy!
Uh, why are you out of your bed?
You got to go.
I got to go.
[ Door opens ]
[ Door closes ]
You want to talk about what you saw?
Is Uncle Evan still here?
No, he went home.
It's time for you to go to sleep.
[ Sighs deeply ]
Look...
your Uncle Evan -- he cares about us very much,
and sometimes when you care about someone...
Do you care about daddy?
Of course I do.
That was from your daddy.
He told me he wanted me to give you that
'cause he loves you very much.
I'm sleepy, mommy.
Okay. [ Chuckles ]
You want me to tuck you in same way daddy does?
No.
[ Sighs ]
Nikki: Okay. [ Chuckles ] Yes. Thanks for checking.
Oh.
So if I drop the class, I lose the credit?
But I need the credit to graduate.
And there's no other professors that teach accounting? Ever?
[ Groaning ] Okay. [ Cellphone beeps ]
You dropping accounting? I have to!
How am I supposed to look Professor Horine in the eye
after I've seen him... on my table?
Yeah, but I thought you didn't go through with it.
I didn't!
All right, for a girl that's supposedly smart,
you're an idiot.
Listen to me.
You're going to college to get ahead, right?
Yeah.
Okay, well, if you ask me, a little rendezvous
with Professor what's-his-name --
that's insurance. [ Laughs ]
Come on! It's an easy "A."
You got to work it, girl. Use your hotness.
Okay, but before today,
Professor Horine looked at me like I was going somewhere.
It felt good. I don't want to lose that.
I want to earn my A's by using my brain.
Well, then, do it.
Just don't drop the class 'cause you're scared.
Instead of screwing that Professor,
you're gonna be screwing yourself.
You're right.
Maybe I will take my midterms after all.
Good.
Does that mean, um...
I get to earn extra credit with your Professor?
[ Laughs ] He's all yours.
Good. [ Both chuckle ]
Selena. Yeah.
Thank you. Whatever.
Oh. Oh. Hey.
Hi.
Let me guess -- Harley.
Is there any other bike?
I didn't peg you for a hog guy.
Sportster or a Softail?
Softail.
You ride?
Yamaha, of course.
You ever done the Fort Bend ride?
Are you kidding me?
Like four years in a row.
I didn't peg you for a motorcycle girl.
Well, I love all that horsepower between my legs.
Well, if it's a bike endowed with power that turns you on,
and the rush of acceleration...
I can take you on a ride you won't forget.
Full throttle?
Did it just get hot in here?
Nope. It's called tit for tat, Derek.
You've seen the tit. Now it's time for you to show me the tat.
Till then, nothing but a cold front.
[ Door closes ]
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Door opens, closes ]
Lacey: So, did you do what you came here to do?
No. What?
Why not? Why not?
Because [Chuckles] the magazines and the movies.
I just -- I-I couldn't do it.
What do you mean, you couldn't do it?
You've been fishing for pocket trout
since you were 11. You know what, Lacey?
Let's just get out of here, okay?
Dale, the "do nothing" approach does not work here.
What are you, nuts?
No, but speaking of nuts...
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh" is right, big boy.
Mmm.
Where you going?
Bow-chicka-bow-bow.
What are you doing?
Are you ready?
Oh, boy. What are you doing?
[ Chuckles ] What is this? The red light district?
This is the very, very hot red light district.
Oh, where very, very red-hot, naughty things happen?
Mm-hmm. Oh, I can't wait to see...
[ Zipper opens ] ...The red-hot, naughty girl
in the peepshow booth.
Oh, I'm gonna give you much more than a peep show.
Oh!
Ooh!
Mmm.
Hey, J.D., nice to see you again.
How's it going?
Better with you here.
Just so you know, daddy gave me the dos and the don'ts
of the client list twice.
Okay, so you understand the consequences if you mess up?
Your consequences or daddy's?
Between the two of you,
I'm better off picking a fight with wild porcupines.
Oh, well, there's probably some truth to that.
Okay, how you feeling today? What can I do for you?
You know, besides the grand finale?
[ Chuckles ]
Sore muscles, stiff limbs...
Me to just stop yapping so you can disrobe?
I get it. [ Chuckles ]
Um, ma'am?
You know what?
Everybody gets a little nervous their first time.
[ Sighs ]
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be lucky enough
to be with a woman as pretty as you.
Well, aren't you sweet?
[ Chuckles ] Stupid, too.
You know what?
It's okay if you want something different
than what your daddy wants for you.
No...
Not if you're born a Whitman.
I mean, my daddy, his daddy, my uncles, all my brothers
graduated Texas A&M and joined our oil business.
It's not an expectation. It's a family mandate.
Okay, well, sometimes part of growing up
is making your own choices.
[ Sighs ] I know.
You're right.
But I-I just...
can't stomach the idea of disappointing my old man.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I know how to handle this.
[ Door closes ]
Well, did you launch my son into manhood?
Oh, didn't you hear the sonic boom?
[ Laughs ]
How'd he do?
You'd be proud of him.
He's gonna be a real lady killer someday.
Good.
I was worried about that one.
Derek, um... [ Chuckles ]
Whoa.
Commando. Now we're even.
Well, I'm glad we got that settled.
Ah. What about your T-shirt?
Unh-unh.
Remember what your girl said?
"It's the naked you don't see."
What you got under that shirt?
Now I know why you have so many repeat customers.
[ Chuckles ]
This is the best surprise ever.
Well, it can be exciting riding in a police car,
but it's not always fun.
Sometimes it's serious business.
Is that why there's a cage?
Yep. That's how we protect ourselves from the bad guys.
Yeah, we put people who steal in the back seat.
I gave the paint set back.
And you'll never do it again, right?
Yeah, this is the last time we want to catch you
in the back seat of a police car.
Remember, good guys ride in the front.
Did my daddy ride back here?
Well, your daddy made a mistake like we all do sometimes,
but he's fixing his mistake, and everything's gonna be okay.
Hey, you want to hear the siren?
Yeah! [ Chuckles ]
[ Siren wailing ]
Hey, if your mama asks,
you were scared by this ride, okay?
Yahoo!
Whoo! This is awesome!
[ Upbeat music playing ]
Lacey: True that.
I'm scared.
No, that's okay.
We always honor our commitments.
Oh, my God.
Taylor's overdone it with the rosettes, don't you think?
Oh, well, she'd wear a mink to a tractor pull if she could.
Well, if it isn't Taylor and Hutch again.
Honey, why don't you go practice your glide and turn?
Again?
What did mommy teach you?
Winners never quit. Never quit.
Quitters never win.
Both: But losers are losers forever.
Isn't she capital "A"-dorable?
That's what I was just thinking. [ Chuckles ] Go practice.
Lacey: Let's go touch your makeup up. Come on.
Oh, ladies, I'd love for you to meet Hutch Weilert.
Hutch, this is my employee, Linette,
and her lovely daughter, Riley.
How nice to meet you. Yeah, it's a pleasure.
I am very much looking forward to your performance tonight.
[ Clicks tongue ]
Linette: We know what you're doing, missy.
You're rigging this pageant.
Yeah, I mean, it does look a little suspicious.
Little Twinkle doesn't need my help.
She's genetically a grand supreme queen.
Well --
what are you giving him?
Blow dries for life?
How dare you?
You're bribing him or you're having an affair.
Pick one. Mama, down.
[ Voice breaking ] I'm not the one who cheated, okay?
Beau?
[ Crying ]
Taylor, I'm so sorry.
Okay. I just --
um, well, Hutch is my divorce lawyer,
and he's helping me find a hole in my prenup.
Now, if y'all will excuse me,
Twinkle and I have a pageant to win.
Twinkle!
Let's shine, baby.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Buzzer ]
Travis: Daddy!
[ Grunts ]
Thanks for bringing my son by.
Travis wanted to see you. Glad I was there to take him.
Yeah.
You seem to be there a lot.
Well, somebody has to be.
Uncle Evan and daddy are gonna have to have
a grownup talk someday real soon.
Yeah, well, I know where to find you.
Uncle Evan gave me a ride in a cop car...
What?
...and he even turned on the sirens.
Well, how cool is that?
I miss you.
Well, I miss you, too, pal.
You know, when I was about your age,
my daddy was gone for a while, too.
You know, he was fighting for our country in the Gulf war,
and I missed him so much.
But you know what he did?
He wrote me letters
just like this one that I wrote for you.
Now, I want you to put that under your pillow at night
so you know that I'm always with you.
And I can write you a letter back.
Yeah, you can.
That way you'll always be with me.
When are you coming home?
Soon.
Soon, but until then, you are the man of the house.
You hear me?
So you be a good boy, and you listen to your mom.
All right?
That's a boy.
2, 1, liftoff.
[ Young MC's "Bust a Move" plays ]
Cut the music.
[ Music stops ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Mommy, I want you in here, too.
Oh, well, I don't think both of us
are gonna fit in there. [ Chuckles ]
I don't want to do the pageant anymore.
I'm scared.
Okay.
Um... You know what?
Let's just do it like we did in the living room.
Just you and me together.
Come on. Let's do this.
Let it go.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Music resumes ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ You rocket's blowin', boots a-glowin' ♪
♪ you don't even know where you're goin' ♪
♪ you spot a fine alien tryin' to check your game ♪
♪ you say, "hey, alien, what's your name?" ♪
♪ he says, "Lance, but I go by smoove ♪
♪ 'cause I like to dance, and I like to groove" ♪
♪ you run over there without a second to lose ♪
♪ and what comes next? Hey, bust a move ♪
♪ you want it
♪ you got it
♪ you want it
♪ rocket girl's got it
♪ now, you want it
♪ then you got it
♪ if you want it
♪ rocket girl's got it
♪ you want it
♪ you got it, uh-huh ♪
♪ you want it
♪ rocket girl's got it
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ oh, oh, oh, yeah
♪ oh, oh, yeah, yeah, oh
[ cheers and applause ]
Here we go. Let's hear it for the "Best Personality Princess" winners!
Let's get one! [ Laughs ]
Oh! Perfect.
You guys want some ice cream?
That sounds great.
You know, I found that Hutch Weilert attractive.
Wonder if he's single. Oh, mama,
something tells me he's not your kind of guy.
Now, Katie and I decided that she doesn't want
to do any more pageants.
Oh, guess Kyle was right about that.
Yes, he was.
[ Cellphone rings ]
It's important.
You were so great up there today.
I was so proud.
Eh, thanks. My dance moves were a little...
Not just as a dancer -- as a mother.
I've won a lot of pageants in my day,
but you, Riley Parks, are the jewel in my crown.
Thank you, mama.
Hey! Hope I didn't miss the celebration.
Academy ran late.
No, we got plenty of double chocolate fudge if you want.
Evan: Oh, yeah.
Mommy kissed Uncle Evan.
Uh...yeah.
Yeah, I did kiss Uncle Evan
because I care about him so much.
I also care about your Uncle Dale, so...
I want to watch "Tangled."
I love that movie.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
If you hear that I planted a big kiss on your husband,
just don't ask any questions.
Hey.
Share.
Hard to.
Try.
That was the fertility doctor.
Dale's sperm is okay, but...
My...
[ Sniffles ] ...My eggs may not be.
The doctor said we only have a 10% chance of conception.
You know what?
There's got to be somebody in that 10%.
And it is gonna be you and Dale.
You don't know that.
Nobody does. Come on.
The angels -- they are not gonna deny
the two...sweetest, kindest people I have ever met
the chance to be parents.
After that phone call, tough to believe in angels.
Really?
'Cause I'm sitting right here looking at one.
[ Peter Bradley Adams' "While We Have The Chance" plays ]
♪ Our shadows, they froze in the sun ♪
♪ the hands on the clocks, they don't run ♪
♪ I stared at your face, it smiled with my heart undone ♪
♪ we don't notice the night as it falls ♪
♪ we laugh in the face of it all ♪
♪ well, morning, it breaks
♪ and we forget where the night has gone ♪
♪ so hold me while we have a chance tonight ♪
♪ I have painted this picture a thousand times ♪
♪ and I'd love you to stay until these memories made ♪
♪ and never gone
♪ and I'd love you to stay until these memories made ♪
♪ and never gone
♪ ooh
Thanks for taking Travis to visit Kyle.
Was it weird?
We can go with "weird." [ Chuckles ]
You should have seen Katie today.
Aww. Bet she was adorable.
You know, she takes after her mom in that department.
Oh, and that kiss with Dale?
[ Chuckling ] That was something.
[ Sighs ] Yeah, well, saw flips. [ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I didn't need to know that.
You handled it really well, though.
We'll just have to be more careful next time.
Evan, we need to talk.
No, we -- we don't need --
Yeah.
I can't keep telling my kids to do one thing
and then me do another.
Today Katie didn't want to get out of her spaceship,
and so I told her
that she needed to honor her commitment...
...keep her promise.
What about mine?
I mean, I said for -- for better or for worse.
Kyle's the one that left you.
He's the one that didn't honor you.
He took off without a word. He was gone for --
Yeah, I know how long he was gone for,
but it doesn't change the facts.
Well, think about the kids.
Look, please don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not their daddy.
I'm very clear on that.
I'm their Uncle.
That...
That right there.
You are their Uncle. Yeah.
Yeah, and them seeing me kissing you
and playing house with you -- well, it's confusing.
The thing is, it has not been about what I need
since the day that I had them.
I'm sorry, Evan.
No, don't -- I-I can't...
[ Voice breaking ] Absolutely cannot do this anymore.
[ Door closes ]
[ Spoons clatter ]
[ Sniffles ]
== sync, corrected by elderman ==